"The Abused Who Mused"

“The Abused Who Mused” – Never allow past bad memories to stifle your personal growth. Forgiving is strength. Forgiveness has its blissful merits.

I was abused as a young child. Born to a family of four siblings and elder sister to another youngest girl, while two other brothers are older than I am. Till today, I often wondered why I was the only one being abused by my mom, while the other three siblings were treated like princess and princes. Each time when I was abused the “Tales of Cinderella” frequently chilled through my spine.

Now that my mom has passed away, I could only speculate that it was during the period when I was conceived in her womb that my dad started his extra marital affairs and I became the scapegoat to my mom who took her frustrations on me from the day I was born. Yes, many may consider this as grossly unfair but this was her predicament when one tends to believe in traditional superstitious notion. As a young girl, I had observed that my mom has been a very superstititous and traditional lady who believed in cult practices and I am convinced that she may have consulted a Chinese Medium who implanted this wrong beliefs into her mind that my birth has brought a curse to the family and that my dad's infidelity has got to do with my birth.

Starting from a young age of six, I had to wash, clean, cook and did all house chores for my family. I was practicaly treated like a slave. Other house maids have better life than I had. Everything that went wrong at home was my fault. My mom wanted me to stay home and never wanted me to attend school but thanked God, my dad thought otherwise and said education was important for a child. How I wished I could stay at school much longer and not face the wrath of my mom's rage. Being away at school was like heaven to me and it was the only time I could stay away from my mom. Oh how terrified I was each day when the sound of the school bell rang to remind teachers and students that lesson for the day is over and time for everyone to leave.. I am convinced that I was the only student at school who dreaded to hear the sound of the last school bell.

As I walked slowly home from school, my mind wondered with fear and I cannot help but envied other school mates who were so lucky to return home happily to some hot meals prepared by their mom. As usual, from a distance, I could already see my mom waiting at the door for me and day after day, it was a norm to be greeted by an angry mom who scolded me with a loud voice for taking so long to walk home from school. Somehow, she would have her reason to rain the cane on me and as I walked through the door, the scourging had begun. I cried and ran to my room and she would chase after me with the cane in hand. The same drama would repeat itself day after day. The small quiet neighbourhood knew about my ordeal but nobody came to my rescue nor reported the matter to the authority. I guessed they do not wish to interfere with family squabbles.

Immediately after putting down my school bag, I had to prepare and cook the day's meals for the family. My mom would provide the list of house chores and thereafter she would then hop over to the neighbourhood for her afternoon game of majong. Although the stakes are not high but still when a family lives from hand to mouth, losing a few bucks would mean a lot for us. Taking time out away from home would also allow mom to socialize amongst friends. It was dreadful to face my mom when she returns home from her game of “Chinese Mahjong” and if on a bad day when she losses, she would take her frustration on me by canning me again. Although being victimized, mom was not to be blamed as being at home alone without the support of a husband could be too taxing for a wife especially when she suspected that her husband was unfaithful.

Dad's work usually took him away from home most of the time. Quite often he would be away at work for weeks and sometimes for couple of months. Most of the time, we will not know where he was unless he called home. It was woman's instinct to suspect that he was with another lady somewhere. Mom and dad used to have frequent heated arguments over his alleged marital affairs. He would then stay home for a while but just as things started to cool down, he was up to his usual tricks again. I guessed it was never easy for some people to change.

On several occasions, my mom threatened to file for divorce to nullify the marriage but the thought of how her four school-going children would endure life without their parents prevented her from taking further action. Like any maternal mother, the undying love for her children would always be their priority. Although being abused, I admired mom's perseverance and felt sad to watch her suffered in silence.

Dad is hot tempered too and at times when mom complaint about my faults, he would unleash his belt and used it to beat me up. Many times I was slashed like a slave and I felt so unloved that even at the tender age of seven, the thought of ending my life crossed my mind. One night, I kept a bottle of bleach in my room and wanted to drink it while the rest of my family were asleep but did not have the guts to do it. Perhaps, having attended school at a Catholic Convent, I was taught that suicide is mortal sin and thanked goodness the Catholic Nuns had inculcated this fear into me. However, the thought of running away from home swept through my mind time and again. Perhaps, constant prayers gave me hope and kept me alive.

Somehow, it was important that I must do my best to finish High School. The daily heaps of house chores and constant harassment and beatings from my parents and being in tears and sadness most of the time prevented me from concentrating fully on my studies. At the tender age of 6 to the teen of 18 years of age, I was constantly abused by my parents. For 12 years I endured in pain and agony but the solace of one particular Catholic Nun who often met me at the School Chapel kept me alive all these enduring years. Each day at school, I spent my recess time talking and praying with this Catholic Nun at the Chapel. I do not know why but somehow I felt that this Catholic Nun knew about my predicament and her love and kindness shown towards me gave me hope.

The thought of leaving home still lingered on my mind as I reached 18 years of age which was my last year at High School. I considered myself very lucky to finish High School and I knew that my mom will never send me for further studies while my sister and brothers were fortunate to be sent to the Universities to further their respective higher-education. I remembered my parents had to open a Food Stall to gain extra income to foot the bills for the further education of my other siblings. Besides being treated unfairly, I did help my parents to run the Food Stall without any resentment towards them.

I smartly choose Nursing as my career not because I loved the job but because I could leave home immediately to pursue the career and that trainee nurses are paid to learn the profession. Despite being treated unfairly by my parents, the absence away from home brought some fondness and love towards mom and dad. Whenever I had the opportunity or during National Holidays, I travelled home to visit my parents to maintain family bonding. Although physically unseen and unnoticed, I felt deep within my heart that love always existed between my parents and I and circumstances had forced my mom and dad to behave unjustly towards me. I always knew they were not directly to be blamed for their outburst of anger and frustrations.

Yes, I was abused, badly bruised at times and always hurt but never had I harboured any resentment or hatred towards my parents for their cruelty and unfairness towards me. It would be dishonest to deny that past hurt had not affected me. It did and it affected my marriage as I encountered marital problems with my husband early in marriage. I knew my past had haunted me and I must come to term with my past in order to be able to love and trust again unconditionally. I must truly forgive my parents and learn to let go of past hurt and fears, otherwise I may not be able to love and trust others wholesomely.

After taking care of my sick mom for almost 6 months, her illness took a turn for the worse. I was at her death bed at the hour of death and although mom was not able to speak, I managed to give her a warmth hug and asked for her forgiveness and as she nodded her head she breathed her last and returned to her Divine Creator. Although I was devastated over mom's death but I was very pleased that mother and daughter had reconciled. It was good to know that I had indeed been a filial daughter, after all.

My dad is now retired and stays with me. I am now singled and available again and I have a new job and I love and enjoy my work very much. I had come to term with my past and I am now ready to love again. These days, I pray a lot and attend church services regularly. My past is now behind me and I had forgiven myself and those whom I had offended. I socialized with some good trusted friends and I am now ready to start life anew.

The lesson I learned this far in life was that we must deal with our past or the past will come back to haunt our future. Embrace forgiveness and life moves on.